Princess Margaret is the maddest, gaudiest bauble at the epicentre of The Crown and I love her

Just think what kind of a country we’d be living in if Margaret had become queen. We’d be in the grip of a permanent lie-in, the whole country befuddled by cheap gin and stinking of fags

Margaret (played by Vanessa Kirby) is the ultimate naughty little sister (Stuart Hendry, Netflix)

There is nothing like a small-screen bad girl, is there? I know telly is dead but anyone who can but isn’t watching both The Crown on Netflix and Feud on BBC2 is a fool.

Even if you live in a cave, you should know that The Crown is about the Royal Family and yes, the costumes are great and Doctor Who is in it, but the biggest, gaudiest, maddest bauble at its bonkers epicentre is Princess Margaret.

For Clare Foy, who is quite brilliant as the young “Her Majesty”, it must feel like playing soppy Cinderella in a really high-class panto, while watching fellow actress Vanessa Kirby have all the Ugly Sister scenery-chewing fun.

Because Margaret is the ultimate naughty little sister, the hungover, chain-smoking next-in-line, who drops further down the ranks as her goodie-goodie sister commands the Commonwealth and gets on with her duty-bound breeding.

Just think what kind of a country we’d be living in if the Queen had suffered a tragic accident before having the kids and Margaret had become queen. We’d be in the grip of a permanent lie-in, the whole country befuddled by cheap gin and stinking of fags.

Obviously as a young monarch Margaret would be topless on stamps and rather than keeping corgis, a dog destined to be seen more often on a biscuit tin lid than in real life, she’d have chosen a fleet of ornamental poodles.

Meanwhile, over on Feud, the camp-o-meter is equally in overdrive, as the appallingly behaved Joan Crawford (Jessica Lang) and Bette Davies (Susan Sarandon) slug it out in glorious vodka-soaked technicolour on the fictional set of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Basically, dear commissioners, all I want on my 2018 telly is a mash-up of the two.