From the people who brought you the Dome...

Look who's been proposed as chairman of the committee in charge of the Olympic bid – John Prescott

Why are they bothering to bid for the Olympics again? Don't they remember Britain's last pathetic effort, when billions of pounds were spent in discovering that Manchester was less desirable than Sydney? Where would they have held the sailing? Up and down the Grand Union Canal, I suppose, with a steward yelling: "You'll have to go one at a time, we've got a delivery of brown ale coming in this afternoon."

Since then we've organised fiascos such as the Dome, the river of fire and the National Stadium, so now we think it's only natural we should have the Olympics. It would make more sense to award it to Frank Spencer.

The people who brought us these disasters shouldn't be trusted with putting on a fête. First the cake stall wouldn't arrive, so Tessa Jowell would make a statement explaining that the baking was put out to tender, but unfortunately Mrs Prendergast who won the contract went out of business, so to compensate her she was awarded £350,000 and put in charge of the Channel Tunnel. Then the bouncy castle would be cancelled because of a failure to get planning permission. But there would be a hoop-la stall, where you could win a goldfish sponsored by Lockheed International and Balfour Beatty.

So the Olympics would be a disaster from the start, especially as it begins with swimming. The competitors for the first heats would arrive to be told that the pool was closed for refurbishment. Then they'd all get on a bus to Pimlico where they could hold the 100 metres backstroke, as long as they didn't mind the wave machine coming on at random intervals.

The only advantage would be the opportunity for special events, such as "The London Triathlon", where athletes have to get a train, a bus and then a taxi going south of the river after 9pm. Or the "50km cycling on the pavement".

None of these bids get anywhere, yet every time, every World Cup, Olympics or anything else, we make our claim. We're like a four-year-old that always goes into the kitchen when someone's making a meal and says: "Can I do that? Oh please, go on, let me, I want to make pudding." But you know if you gave in, they'd fill a mixing bowl with six eggs, a carrot, a cup of washing powder and a chisel, and yell: "DONE IT!".

This time, you might think, it will be different. But look who's been proposed as chairman of the committee in charge of the bid – John Prescott. Because the very mention of the name puts you instantly in mind of cycling, sprinting and rowing, I suppose. So a minister who couldn't even get out of bed to settle the fire dispute is in charge of winning the right to stage the world's foremost athletics event. Other countries will be represented by Pele or Michael Jordan, but we'll have Prescott going: "If the committee wants to see plans for athletics track, they can bloody well come round here; I'm not going into town, I'll miss Ready Steady Cook."

Our main argument seems to be the one we always use, the one we can't shake from having an Empire. Other countries will make their presentations, citing the dazzling technology of their Japanese stadiums, the cleanliness of their Scandinavian cities or the awesome imagery of their Brazilian landscape. And we'll say: "Yes, well, that's all very well, but the thing with us, you see, is – we're English. So I think that just about settles it, don't you?"

The whole process of winning the Olympic Committee's approval is an exercise in humiliation, with millions spent on entertaining the officials with the votes. Last time the entire road from Manchester airport was lined with hanging baskets in an effort to impress the Olympic President, Juan Samaranch, on his visit. Given that he was once a government minister in Franco's Spain there was probably a discussion about whether to replace the baskets with Republicans and really win him over.

And the clues to how this will all be funded came in a report this week. "Plans to levy an extra £550m rate on businesses in the capital to help pay for the Games are likely to be dropped as there is not enough time to consult all the parties." It then tells us: "A supplementary council tax levied on all households in London for six years will raise about £500m." So there is no time to consult business but plenty of time to consult every household presumably.

Another city likely to make a bid is New York. So wouldn't it be cheaper if we just backed their bid instead? All we'd have to do is shout down any country that didn't agree, and insist that if the Olympic Committee decided on somewhere else, we'd ignore them and hold the games in the United States anyway, blaming the French. Then we could claim a decisive influence over American sporting policy – as long as we didn't make too much fuss when British athletes were accidentally shot for getting in the way of the Americans.