The smartest card around

From tomorrow there will be an entirely new kind of cashcard on the market. It's called the Independex card and it is going to totally revolutionise our cash transactions.

Here's how it works:

Let's say that you are in a strange town and you suddenly get an overpowering desire to put pounds 50 on My Delight in the 3.30 at Chepstow at a very favourable 70-1.

You don't know where the bookie is in this strange town, and even if you did he probably wouldn't honour your credit.

So what do you do?

I'll tell you what you do.

You get your Independex card out of your wallet, go into a phone box and use your Independex card just like a phone card. Not only will it pay for the phone call, but it will put you straight through to your own bookie and - using the cash encodement on the card - place the bet automatically for you.

And that's not all! If you win the bet, your winnings will automatically be added to the microchip on your Independex card, thus immediately enhancing the value of your Independex card, and giving you a hell of a good time in that strange town tonight!

Did we mention the name of the card, by the way?

That's right! It's the Independex card!

Ah, that's all very well, you may say, but what if I am in a strange town and I do want to place a large bet on a horse and I can't even find a phone box to go into? How can I use my Independex card then?

Easy. You just get out your mobile phone and use the card in that. Because the Independex card is the first ever card which can be used with a mobile phone. As long, of course, as you use the new Independomobile phone, which has been specially developed for use with the Independex card.

But, you will naturally ask, is this the only use for the Independex card? Is that the only thing I can do with it - place bets on horses?

By no means! It is one of the best, but it is far from being the only one.

Here are some other things you can do with your Independex card:

Find out immediately how much cash there is in any of Jonathan Aitken's bank accounts.

Bet on the National Lottery.

Put money directly into Tory party funds, in the account marked "Towards Your Knighthood".

Bet on the National Lottery, using money out of any of Jonathan Aitken's bank accounts.

Transfer money directly from Jonathan Aitken's bank account into Tory party funds.

Put up the Bank of England base rate to a more realistic figure - or down.

Speculate wildly against a basket of currencies.

Bid directly in a Sotheby's auction up to pounds 1m at a time, using a disguised voice on your mobile phone.

Transfer millions of pounds to the McLibel Two fighting fund, taking it directly from McDonald's main bank account!

In other words, you can do most anything with an Independex cashcard!

Here's a letter we got recently from a customer in Hollywood:

"Dear Independex, I must tell you that I was out the other night cruising in my car along Sunset Boulevard, when I saw a young lady looking for company, and my immediate thought was - Oh, no! I haven't got any money on me! Then I thought - Hold on, haven't I got my Independex cashcard on me? That should do the trick! And boy, it certainly did the trick ...!"

Well, perhaps that's enough of that particular letter. But here's another we got only yesterday:

"Dear Independex, I just want to say how useful I found you in Wimbledon the other day. I was playing in the men's singles and found myself in a position where I had to be rude to an umpire and storm out and default, anyway, let's not go into that, the point is that they slapped a spot fine of pounds 10,000 on me.

"Well, I don't have that sort of money on me, so I said: `Do you take Independex card?'

"And they said: `Sure, we take Independex cashcard - whose account do you want the money taken out of?'

"And I said: `What about Andre Agassi's?'

"And they said: `No problem, thanks to Independex card.' So, thanks, Mr Independex card!"

Here's another letter, from a Mr John Redwood, asking us to guarantee that if he offered to increase public spending and decrease taxes, we could tide him over.

We said - no problem!

Are you interested in this sort of service?

Then apply for a card today!

Just send us a blank cheque.

We'll do the rest.

Look forward to hearing from you!