The Sketch: The goals whistle in, but Blair's in the next round

What strikers there were in the Commons yesterday. Balls were thumping into the net behind the Prime Minister and he didn't even try saving them.

"That's not a goal," he'd say. Or "That didn't go in," or "I'm sorry, I was fixing my bat, how many runs do we need to win?"

Labour's David Taylor kicked off with swingeing denunciation of the eurozone. The PM didn't even move his feet.

Iain Thing asked for an apology on behalf of Pam Warren, the leader of the Paddington Survivors' Group (their political affiliations had been sought by the Government). No apology was offered. "I endorse entirely what the Department of Transport said at the time," Mr Blair weaselled. And, to expressions of disbelief, "There was never any attempt to discredit her."

The Scots nationalist Alex Salmond suggested that as Mrs Warren was an "ordinary person doing extraordinary things" (in the Government's phrase) she should be eligible for an honour. Mr Blair's response was so muffled and short no one heard what it was. He really doesn't seem to like Pam Warren one little bit.

Archie Norman lofted in one over his head. He recalled the two occasions on which Mr Blair had promised to withdraw subscription charges for cystic fibrosis sufferers, and suggested that these people had a right to take his pledge at face value. Ah, but which face? "We have to look at this in terms of the whole health budget," Mr Blair said, to an audible intake of breath from his critics. "We are aware of things that were said, and we intend to honour them." But won't, he failed to say out loud.

Iain Thing's last two questions were belters. One of Mr Blair's eye-catching initiatives had been to remove the driving licences of men who failed to keep up child support payments. How many licences had been removed? The PM didn't know. The answer was one. How much had the initiative cost? The PM didn't know. The answer was £300,000. How much had it netted? The PM didn't know. The answer was £5,000.

Mr Blair had also said that there were four and a half thousand unemployed young people. David Willetts came to the dispatch box and hammered a point of information into the back of the net. The real figure was 240,000. Mr Blair was unconcerned. He knew he was going into the next round whatever happened.

Later, an amiable geezer from the Speaker's office came to the sketch writers' tea table asking to see me alone. The sketch writers sniggered (they are low creatures). Michael Martin's new spin doctor wanted me to know that they weren't happy with the tone of the Sketch's Speaker coverage. There was a line, he said, which the Sketch was always going over. A joke was one thing, but. Consistent rudeness. Gratuitous insults. They were undermining the very role of the Speaker.

Yes, I flushed. I suddenly felt quite humble. I agreed with every word he said. To have my work recognised at the highest level like this. To be undermining the very office that may take over the Queen's prerogatives in the Government's modernisation of the monarchy.

It must be said, too, that the standard of arm-twisting has improved considerably. The last time one of my colleagues was taken to task by the Speaker's office he was given a veiled threat that his parliamentary pass would be withdrawn.

So let us heartily agree that whether or not Mr Martin is or is not a bulbous-faced booby he has the most impeccable taste. Hats off!

simoncarr75@hotmail.com