The Sketch: Mr Thing learns the risk of playing with friendly fire

The double-barrelled Thing, the Poor-Forked Thing that leads the Conservative Party. He refuses to learn. He is outclassed, outgunned, outdanced, outplayed. Tony Blair is, at any point, three steps ahead of him and several levels above. After yesterday's demonstration, at least Mr Thing will understand the elementary lesson: the destructive power of a friendly posture.

Occasionally The Sketch publishes a summary of Mr Thing's recommended rhetorical strategy. It is, en bref, to offer praise to the Prime Minister on those occasions when the Prime Minister does Tory-like things. Tory approval is toxic; it pollutes relations between the Labour back bench and its leader.

Mr Thing declines to take this advice; Mr Blair applied it, quite casually, to Mr Thing yesterday. No toad beneath any harrow could have been more thoroughly holed.

This is what happened: Mr Thing offered to rub Mr Blair's face in his recent Euro-failures. The Franco-German axis is busy preparing an alternative Euro defence force which will, necessarily, undermine Nato. Mr Thing quoted Mr Blair's earlier words – what a tragic mistake it would be if Britain were left out of the debate. And yet here were France, Germany etc. meeting without Britain to debate just that, leaving us out of the discussion.

Mr Blair stood up and said that four member countries were involved in the meeting and 11 weren't. "We," he said, "are part of the 11."

This idea that we were on the majority side of the argument was so deft, so unfair, so funny that it produced a deafening level of static in the House.

It was impossible to follow Mr Thing. Mr Blair had silenced his opponent even though he was audibly there. "Started it in St Malo," Mr Thing struggled on: "Germans want separate budget ... French want nothing to do with America ... He kickstarted it and now others are riding off without him."

Then Mr Blair agreed and that was the end of Mr Thing.

The proposed meeting was about a threat to Nato? Then: "That's why it was a good idea we weren't there! (Gasp in House, then laughter). So we're in agreement! (Laughter building). He agrees with me, we shouldn't have been there. (Ribs creak and break audibly). Agreement is a very good thing. (Two heads explode). I've been a bit short of that recently."

The argument may have been fatally flawed but it was still fatal. Among Mr Thing's many deficiencies (stature, experience, flair, voice, touch, inspiration) one stands out more than any other. Brains. He simply hasn't the brains for the job.

Simoncarr75@hotmail.com