The ballad of Charles and Nigella

It ended not with a kiss but a throttle

Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi parted in June (Getty)

This is the ballad of Charles and Nigella

A tale of which you’ll doubtless know lots

About the cook, her lover, the sisters, her brother

And how it all ended at Scott’s

It was a match made in Daily Mail heaven

The ad man with a reputation so grand

And the celebrity cook, with a best-selling book

And some mustard always at hand

But this Christmas time, will you please spare a thought

For the goddess and her husband reclusive

Their relationship smashed, and her character trashed

By another purported exclusive

On pages one to eleven, with pictures,

She’s been vilified and judged just for fun

Though she was not the accused, she was freely abused

While the defendants went off to The Sun

It seems like a pantomime made for our age

Maybe a modern day Cinderella

With the sisters larging it, spending and charging it

But it’s no joke if you are Nigella

I’ve tried it six times, she said of cocaine

And her drug use caused quite a furore

Take a saucepan, then a frying pan, then temazepam

We were told that’s the menu du jour

It seems difficult to believe that Ms Lawson

On the telly a visual delight

Yet portrayed as a junkie on the word of a flunky

Could have envisaged a dirtier fight

Team Saatchi were hiding in the shadows

Their brief against his once-adored wife

To the papers they’d speak, and a story would leak

Of the sham of their married life

When love turns sour, it’s a nightmarish scene

And both parties here were aggrieved

The battle was fought in an Isleworth court

And we don’t know who can be believed

But one thing’s for sure when the private turns public

No one emerges intact

When things get bitter, it’s all over Twitter

Where rumour’s presented as fact

It’s a right bloody battle that she’s been through

But Nigella has not lost the war

She’s taken some knocks, but she’s back on the box

With a new series on Channel 4.