Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow: 'They put on blindfolds, said those two are poofters and that was that'

The IoS interview: Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow, gay fathers

Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow sound like any other harassed parents of despotic toddlers. They feel they are a "regular nuclear family".

"Everyone tells you your life will change when you have children, but my goodness," says Barrie. "It's not as if we were really nightclubby people, but we did like to go out and we have tried to continue with that part of our lives, but it's very hard. If you go without them, you can't relax and you're constantly phoning the babysitter, and if you take them with you they scream the place down and everyone frowns. Never mind the terrible twos, they start at one and they are still going on."

The walls of the Drewitt-Barlow's Cheshire home are filled with photographs in brightly coloured plastic frames which are at odds with the sophisticated decor of the rest of the house.

They have been deliberately chosen to attract the attention of two-year-old Saffron and her twin brother Aspen. They hold pictures of Tracie Matthews, their biological mother, and Rosalind Bellamy, their surrogate mother.

The children's fathers hoped that by making the pictures stand out, the children would ask questions that would allow them to explain their unorthodox parentage.

Saffron and Aspen made legal history when they were born nearly three years ago in the US, having been fertilised with sperm from Barrie and Tony. Their fathers believed the children should know the truth about their birth so they would be prepared to deal with any awkward questions they might encounter as the biological children of two gay men.

"When we are all lying on the bed and they are having their bottles, we look at the photos and tell them about the eggs from Tracie and how Rosalind carried them in her tummy," says Barrie.

Tony continues: "They're so comfortable with it now, it seems completely natural to them. They can tell you the whole story – that I am Dad and Barrie is Daddy, that they were born in California and Tracie is their mummy and about how special they are because they were so wanted."

Nowthey are ready to extend their family. "We didn't want to rush into another pregnancy because it's very hard work with twins and also because we wanted to find the right surrogate," says Barrie.

But after a long search the couple revealed that a surrogate was implanted with four embryos just three days ago. "This is our first attempt since the children were born. We have 19 embryos left from the ones that were frozen in 1998 so we've got about four chances for this to work."

The vote last week to change the law in favour of allowing gay and unmarried couples to adopt jointly has, however, eased the pressure on the surrogate to conceive.

"If this doesn't work then at least now we can apply to adopt together and we absolutely would," says Barrie. They have already tried to adopt in the UK but were turned down. After deciding that Tony would be the legal parent, the couple spent 18 months attending weekly meetings with social workers and six other couples.

"We were the token gays, and there was one black couple, one Jewish, one older and three regular joes," says Barrie.

At the end of the classes, all three "regular joes" were approved and none of the others. "We were upset and angry, but also surprised," he says. "We really thought they would see that we could offer a child a good home but they just put their blindfolds on and said, those two are poofters."

The adoption panel suggested they consider a child with special needs, so they threw themselves into learning about mental health, attended workshops and clinics and spoke to doctors about the practicalities. They met James, a five-year-old with Downs Syndrome, and were told they might be able to adopt him. For six months they visited him every week. They were given glowing references by their social workers. The panel turned them down.

It was at that point they decided to investigate surrogacy. Barrie has got over the hurt and outrage he felt but Tony is still resentful. "This is not about being gay. It should be about giving a home to a child and giving it the right start in life and the right family values. And those values have changed over the years because the family has evolved.

"I find it hard to accept that in the 21st century, I can be discriminated against because of my sexuality. You cannot discriminate against people on the grounds or colour or religion but you can on their sexual orientation."

Biography

1988 Barrie and Tony become a couple and move to Bicknacre in Essex

1998 They attempt to have a baby with a surrogate mother in the US, but the pregnancy fails

Mar 1999 After eggs are donated by Tracie Matthews, and sperm from Barrie and Tony, Rosalind Bellamy becomes pregnant with twins

Oct 1999 US Supreme Court grants them the right to be named as the fathers

Dec 1999 Birth of Aspen and Saffron Drewitt-Barlow in Modesto, California

Jan 2000 Twins given indefinite leave to stay in the UK

May 2000 Aspen and Saffron are baptised at St John the Baptist Church, Danbury, Essex