Turkey takes back seat as mind turns to MCG baptism

'Stewards had been going round the corporate boxes when they found a man hitting golf balls with a five iron across the ground'

Christmas Day in Australia is a strange experience for an England cricketer. No sooner have you opened your presents than it is time to get down to the Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG) for nets. Invariably one or two of the players will have a Father Christmas hat on during warm-up but these are taken off once the serious training begins. Practice is to the point and usually lasts a couple of hours before a swift return is made to the hotel for lunch.

On arriving back at your room it is to be hoped that Lyndsey Lamb, the wife of the former England batsman Allan, has not got at your girlfriend or wife. This happened in 1990/91 when Lyndsey organised a champagne breakfast for all the partners whilst we were at practice. At that time the England cricket team were sponsored by a champagne producer but like the current side we had not had too many occasions to consume it.

Anyway Mrs Lamb, through her husband's contacts, managed to get her hands on our stock and upon our return the girls were not a pretty sight or making much sense. Attempting to get into fancy dress, as was the tradition until the 1998/99 tour four years ago, is bad enough sober never mind when your other half is three sheets to the wind. My wife still thinks it is the best Christmas she has had!

Once made-up and with the photographers hovering for a picture, we pose in our attire. My two outfits did not do a great deal for my street cred. Your costume was selected by pulling a letter out of a hat. Then in the week before the Test we visit the fancy dress shop to hire the relevant gear. Being six foot six my choice is limited. In 1990/91 I was the Jolly Green Giant wearing a pair of American football shoulder pads and a black fuzzy wig. And in 94/95 I was Lurch out of the Adams Family. The only good thing about this was that my wife had to dress as Mortitia, which she was none too happy about. My son Alex was a baby Gomez.

Lunch is formal but relaxed with kids rushing around everywhere. There is a bit of turkey knocking around but the seafood is preferred in 30 degrees of heat. The players are allowed to have a glass or two of wine but the team is deliberately not announced until later that evening, or the following morning. This is so everybody – the players that is – has to behave responsibly.

With the families naturally wanting to make a big thing of the day you feel like a killjoy sat there in your own little world because however hard you try it is hard to relax. After all the Melbourne Test match is looming. At about four o'clock in the afternoon the players start drifting back to their rooms and start preparing for the following day's game. Room service in the evening precedes an early night. If the wife wants to go out she can, as long as she doesn't wake you up when she comes in.

It is hard to know what to expect on the big day. The weather in Melbourne can range from 40 degrees plus of heat to torrential rain. In my two Test matches here we had both. Whatever the weather though, there will be a decent crowd. In 1998 50-55,000 were in the ground on Boxing Day when play was abandoned without a ball being bowled.

When you are young and working your way through the grades, the competitiveness of the cricket can and should prepare you for the next level up. However nothing, not even full houses at Lord's and in the Caribbean, is like walking out at the MCG. At times players are guilty of building matches up to be bigger affairs than they are, but at this arena it is hard not to.

I did this here in 1990 to such an extent that I could hardly bear to watch a ball when England won the toss and batted. I was so nervous that I had to go down into the bowels of the dressing room to get away from the action. It was weird. With my personal stereo on I tried to pretend I was not in the place I had wanted to be all my life.

Twelve years ago, as now, there was a huge hole at one end of the ground. This was where the Great Southern Stand was to sit. Now there are stands, big stands and huge stands and this falls into the third category. Anfield, the home of Liverpool Football Club is a big ground. It holds around 45,000. Well the stand at the MCG, which covers about 40 per cent of the circumference, holds 48,000 seats. It is where Bay 13 is situated, the place where as an Englishman you get a fair idea of what the locals think about you as they fire tinnies, bottles, pies, fruit, insults and golf balls at you.

The rowdies however are not restricted just to the cheap seats. During a one day international at the MCG in 1994/95 England were playing Australia. We batted first and posted a good score of 225 in a day/night match. I know this sounds strange but we were taking regular wickets and winning. Anyway each time we had some success a golf ball would come flying across the ground.

Now as well as having big stands the MCG also has a huge playing surface. So as we collected in the middle to congratulate ourselves we were interested to know who had been throwing these golf balls at us. It was a 100 metre throw and we could have done with him as our twelfth man. It went on after each wicket until we won the game by 37 runs. Thinking nothing of it we went out for a deserved beer or two that evening.

The following day, as is the case when you win matches, I was reading the paper and saw in the corner a little news item. It said that the stewards had been going around the corporate boxes at the MCG the previous evening when they encountered a man hitting golf balls with a five iron across the ground. The guilty party when asked whether he thought this a bit dangerous said "Well the two Australians out there are wearing helmets and to be honest I could not give a damn (word changed) who else I hit."

Hopefully there will not have been any golf balls whizzing across the ground today but you can bet there will be something and it will not be Christmas cake.

* Martin Love the Queensland and Durham batsman was due to make his Test debut for Australia today at The Melbourne Cricket Ground when he came in as a late replacement for Darren Lehmann who has spent the last two days in hospital suffering from an acute infection to his right leg. Love, the 28-year-old right hander, has scored two double centuries against England already this winter whilst playing for Queensland and Australia 'A'. He arrives in Melbourne with a first-class average of 130 this season.