What makes marriage heaven or hell

State of the union: With four in ten couples now divorcing, research into the pressures faced by newly-weds is long overdue

Tolstoy once said: "All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Psychologists evidently disagree; they are seeking 200 newly-wed couples in order to discover what makes a happy couple and why so many apparently perfect marriages quickly spiral into unhappiness.

The couples will be tracked by government-funded academics for three years to see how the relationships change under pressure from all sides, from relatives and friends, to housework and money. The unlikely research has never been more pertinent, with more than four in 10 marriages ending in divorce, at a huge financial and emotional cost to those involved.

Professor Frank Fincham and a team from the University of Wales, Cardiff, will study relationships between the newly-weds with the aim of improving pre-marital counselling by signposting the pitfalls.

"We know very little about the development of a marriage and what happens to couples in the early years of marriage. If we understand what is happening, we can do a better job with pre-marital counselling because we can tailor the counselling to what we know," he said yesterday.

The team, who received a pounds 144,120 grant from the Economic and Social Research Council for the work, will ask why newly-weds are happy, how they stay happy and what kinds of problems creep into the relationship.

In 1993, the latest year for which figures are available, 299,200 couples said "I do" - at an average cost of pounds 11,500 - and 165,000 said "I don't" - at almost the same cost. Family breakdown costs the country more than pounds 4bn a year in benefits, lost tax, legal and health bills.

In 1993, 23 per cent of marriages that ended in divorce had lasted less than five years. This suggests that many couples were unprepared for marriage, that their expectations were unrealistic, or that they faced particular pressures, such as parenthood.

The rising divorce rate is a significant factor in the doubling of single households in the past 15 years. There were 6.8 million last year - a figure predicted to rise to 8 million by the end of the decade. This coincides with research showing that people living alone tend to be younger, richer and happier with their lives.

Yesterday also saw the release of new figures from Relate, the marriage guidance organisation, which suggest that whereas most divorces take place between years five and nine, most couples who turn to counselling are their tenth year of marriage.

The average age of clients who come for counselling is 37 for men, and 34 for women - roughly 10 years after the average age for marriage.

"Our hypothesis is that it's to do with the arrival of children in a relationship. It's often quite a difficult time for couples," said Julia Cole, spokes- person for Relate.

She said that survey evidence showed a number of factors which were likely to increase the risk of divorce: if couples marry before the age of 21; if their parents were divorced; if they live together before marriage and if they belong in the bottom two social classes.

She cited the two key things that helped make a happy marriage as flexibility and the ability to communicate.

"It's important that there are no taboo subjects. People who come to counselling say time and time again 'I wanted to be able to say something but I didn't know how to raise it'," she said. "Taboo subjects eat away at a relationship like a cancer."

In Professor Fincham's study, couples will be observed talking to each other and will also undergo computer tests.

Crucial questions include: Do you and your mate engage in outside interests together? Do you confide in your mate? How do you share the household chores? How has your expectation of your mate changed?

Professor Fincham said there was no question of producing a standard template. "Each couple is unique, but there are common elements which we will be looking at," he said.

But so far his team has had little success in getting volunteers to tie the knot. "The registry office seems unwilling to hand out a notice. I've also made contact with vicars and priests and I've even visited St Catherine's House in London to track down the official records of newly-weds, only to find the most recent records are for1994," he said.

A newly-wed couples hotline has been set up at the university for paid volunteers who will undergo a three-hour initial interview followed by sessions over the next three years.

Newly-wed hotline: 01222- 874932

Bittersweet advice

A marriage is likely to be called happy if neither party ever expected to get much happiness out of it.

Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

The most difficult year of marriage is the year you're in

Franklin P. Jones

Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.

Jane Austen (1775-1817)

Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

Helen Rowland (1875-1950) American journalist

By all means marry: if you get a good wife you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates (469-399 BC)

Marriage is the greatest earthly happiness when founded on complete sympathy

Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)