Snowden v Bowie v … Kate Nash? The battle of the alternative Christmas message

While Channel 4 located the alabaster NSA whistleblower, several other household names came out of the tinsel

Christmas Day 2013 was all about the battle for the other most worthy yuletide delivery: the alternative Christmas message.

Forget the Queen and her random plaster cast man (whatever that was about)

The 25 December 2013 was all about the battle for the other most worthy yuletide delivery: the alternative Christmas message.

While Channel 4 located alabaster NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden for their official Christmas message, several other household names came out of the tinsel to – completely randomly – deliver festive addresses of their own.

But whose was the most worthy? Whose, hands down, won the double award for combined bizarreness and sheer vanity? And who gets the gold for leaping on a pedestal far higher than their actual level of celebrity should ever allow them to? In no particular order…

Alternative Christmas Message 1: Edward Snowden

Who for? Channel 4

General gist: WE’RE ALL BEING BLOODY WATCHED. THE YEAR IS 1984. HAPPY CHRISTMAS, THE GOVERNMENT/GOOGLE/I KNOW WHAT YOU GOT FROM SANTA.

Most quoted, erm, quote: “A child born today will have no concept of privacy.”

Did we care? Yeah. Snowden’s a pretty big deal. Plus, being told we’re living in an Orwellian era of mass surveillance in a real life Black Mirror scenario was far more entertaining than listening to Queenie ramble on about Kate and Wills. And plaster cast men.

Alternative Christmas Message 2: David Bowie

Who for? BBC Radio Six during a broadcast by the surviving members of The Clash.

General gist: ‘Tally-ho Blighty, I love being British. So I thought I’d put on this random Elvis Presley accent for you all.’ Seriously. He did.

Most quoted, erm, quote: “Hello everybody, this is David Bowie making a telephone call from the US of A. At this time of the year I can't help but remember my British-ness and all the jolly British folk”

Did we care? It’s David Bowie. Had he posted a 12-hour Instagram clip of him watching paint dry, we’d have called it a modern masterpiece.

Alternative Christmas Message 3: Cara Delevingne

Who for? Anyone bored enough to be on the internet on Christmas day. And bored enough to follow Cara Delevingne on the internet. Oh, and LOVE magazine.

General gist: Hot supermodel writhes around in underwear, spanks wooden pig with a whip. Is filmed by equally hot supermodel sister while she does it. Basically porn.

Most quoted, erm, quote: “Merry Christmas everybody, I hope you haven’t been too naughty like this pig.”

Did we care? Yes, because we are hopelessly perverted. And endlessly fascinated by her meerkat-like beauty. No real idea what she was on about, though.

Alternative Christmas Message 4: Kate Nash

Who for? Erm… Kate Nash fans? Are these a thing? Oh, and to go with her Christmas EP, Have Faith With Kate Nash, which she released earlier in December.

General gist: Thanks fans for being fans, then tells them what to do to be as awesome as she is in narcissistic swear-a-thon.

Most quoted, erm, quote: “Be confident, be really f**king confident, love yourself... Tell yourself you're the baddest bitch from hell every morning.”

Did we care? No. No, we really didn’t.

Now for some far more pressing festive news... Snakes in Santa hats and other ridiculous headgear, the phenomenon of which you can witness below. You're welcome.