why are they famous?

Main Claim: Sleaze. In an age-old, pants-down, MP scandal, Anna Cox is that predictable, that inevitable stock character, the tender- yeared blonde. Anna, an 18-year-old former nightclub hostess, has been accused of having a passionate liaison with the now-resigned Tory MP Piers Merchant, 46. The teen mistress, all platinum barnet and gore-blimey expletives, is, according to the accused, merely a "researcher" and "friend of the family". She is also prime tabloid meat, making regular appearances in what seems to be little more than her smalls.

Appearance: Courtney Love meets "road rage" murderess Tracy Andrews. Teen slut with child-in-care style blank gaze and over-enthusiastic peroxide job. The Queen Vic's latest vamp with a past.

Marital Disharmony: Our heroine appears to nestle contentedly in the bosom of the Merchant family, protectively embraced by long-suffering wife Helen, who, to show her solidarity with her straying spouse, staged a squirm-making marathon tonguey snog for the cameras. We then all instantly understood that the Merchants have a rock-solid and sexually satisfying marriage. Anna, though caught on camera also snogging the upstanding and faithful MP has been defended to the last by Helen. A menage a trois? Don't be ridiculous.

Past Imperfect: The daughter of a marine engineer, Anna met Piers at a Young Conservative function. Soon, she found herself his "assistant", performing secretarial and campaign work. She also earned her crust at a Soho strip joint as "Chantal", a pounds 100 a night hostess.

Sex Lies: Anna accompanied Piers to the recent Blackpool Tory party conference, where the couple were caught canoodling and were reported to have spent several nights together. Anna also kissed and told the Sun all about it back in March: "He made me feel like his little princess... I felt his hands on my legs and sensed his excitement when he reached my stocking tops." Yet, here she is, talking of a jolly family friendship, shouting at the press: "You are trying to break up families," before being taken away by ambulance, leaning on two paramedics. Young Miss Cox is clearly a suitable friend for all the family, then.

Fame Prospects: Execrable. How many politicians' mistresses can one name in a pub quiz beside Sara Keays and Antonia de Sancha? We suggest that Anna does her A levels, finds a boyfriend at a sixth-form social function, then goes to drama school. Obscurity beckons. Next week.