Feel, reflect and learn: How to overcome disappointment after a setback

Following England’s defeat in the Euro 2020 final against Italy, Joanna Whitehead speaks to experts about how to bounce back from disappointment

Members of the England football team stand together in the final of the Euro 2020 final against Italy on 11 July 2021 (The FA via Getty Images)

England fans awaking this morning were confronted with the multiple challenges of insufficient sleep, a sore head and a profound sense of disappointment after their long-awaited dreams of football victory were shattered on Sunday evening in the Euro 2020 final.

Despite a promising start that saw Luke Shaw score England’s only goal after just two minutes, Italy’s dominance grew throughout the game, culminating in a nail-biting penalty shootout that saw Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho and Bukayo Saka all fail to hit the target.

Speaking after the devastating defeat, England manager Gareth Southgate said: “Tonight is going to be extremely difficult for all of us, of course. You have to feel that disappointment because the opportunities to win trophies like this are so rare in your life.

“But when they reflect on what they have done, they should be incredibly proud of themselves. The players have been an absolute credit. They have given everything they possibly could,” he said.

England captain Harry Kane added: “We should be extremely proud as a group of what we’ve achieved.

“I couldn’t have given more, the boys could not have given more. We’ll learn and grow from it - and it will give us even more motivation to do well in the World Cup next year.”

But what’s the best way to deal with disappointment? Whether it’s a sporting setback, or a romantic failure, The Independent consulted the experts on how to get over the sadness that comes when things don’t quite work out as planned.

Accept your feelings

Career coach and mentor Natalie Trice notes that often we push uncomfortable feelings of disappointment down without working through them, an approach that can make it difficult to move forwards. Instead, she encourages us to “accept those feelings, sit with them and acknowledge what could have been”.

She said: “What you are dealing with is real to you, so look at just what that win, promotion, or date meant to you, and the impact not getting the result has had on you, without rushing ahead to feel better, is important. There is no doubt that the past 18 months have been hard for everyone and when you have had a glimpse of celebration in sight, and it is then snatched away, it hurts, but it isn't forever and there will be brighter times in the future.”

Reflect on your expectations

Perfectionism and self-sabotage are very real concepts, especially for over-achievers or highly ambitious people. While it’s good to aim high, it’s equally important to stay connected to reality. Author and life coach Carolyn Hobdey encourages us to consider whether your expectations of a situation are “realistic or idealistic”.

She says: “Did you mentally set yourself up to fail? Consider whether the expectations were yours or imposed on you externally by someone else or a societal standard/norm that you felt you had to live up to.”

Learn from your mistakes

Joe Bates, co-founder of mental health resilience app Halen, describes self-reflection as “part of the healing process”. He says: “In many industries, particularly sport, we’re taught about winning and losing - with the latter perceived as being incredibly negative. But a lot can be learned about ‘not winning’ and what you need to do in order to positively and realistically move forward. Accepting that this time wasn’t your time, is the first step. Replace words like “should’ or ‘could’ with ‘can’ and ‘will’ - don’t labour on what didn’t happen, focus on what will.”

Hobdey adds that reframing disappointment can be powerful. She says: “What did this disappointment teach me? Are there things you can take away from it that might apply to other situations? Changing your mindset this way will help you to see the upside and that the incident wasn’t a ‘waste’.”

Seek comfort from loved ones

During times of difficulty, it’s always good to connect with people whose opinion of you is not confined to your achievements or failures. Talking things through with friends and loved ones will help you to process your experience, rather than feeling shame about it.

Psychodynamic counsellor and holistic personal development therapist Sky Mitchell from MYNDUP says: “It’s good to talk and be listened to when you feel low. Negativity and positivity are contagious, so it’s worth consider the people with whom you’re spending time. Have you noticed how someone in a bad mood can bring down almost everyone in a room? A positive person that cares about you will have this effect on you and others.”

Make new plans

It’s important not to self-flagellate for too long after a setback. Making mistakes is a deeply human trait common to us all, that no-one is immune to. Looking ahead to the future is a way to ensure we can continue to thrive and learn from our mistakes.

Mental health and addiction recovery specialist Ray Sadoun says: “The best way to move on from disappointment is to make new plans to look forward to. For a minor disappointment like a friend cancelling on you, this could look like arranging a day out with another friend. Bigger disappointments, such as career failures, require more planning such as brainstorming new career paths and seeking advice from experts.”