Fandango

Last week, I wrote about all the girls that I am sick and tired of seeing in the press day after day. Well, I felt it only fair to let you know which girls - or ladies for that matter - I would like to see replace them. 1) Wee Jeanette Kranky, (the fandabidosi, dinky Scot who I'm sure you will remember if you watched Crackerjack as a child). 2) Thandie Newton (cool, up-and-coming Brit actress). 3) Melanie Sykes (down-to-earth northerner who made her mark in the beer ad and now has her own MTV show). 4) Karen Elson (hot, incredibly long- legged model from Oldham, who is partial to a steak and kidney pie and the odd pint of bitter). 5) Jane Middlemiss (yet another northern lass, who after getting her boobies out has managed to turn her career into something much more acceptable).

Speaking of northerners, Levi have launched a range of T-shirts and shirts named Northern Soul for all you movers and shakers who like to get on down at those sweaty all-nighters. Like the chappie pictured here, who looks like he's having a hell of a time dancing in his kitchen. Or is he in pain? I can't tell. Anyway, the jersey polo tops and shirts go with the White Tab line of cord, twill clothing - definitely worth a look. Available next month from Original Levi stores and jeans stockists.

The summer has finally arrived, which means members of the female sex wear less and reveal more. The streets are full of long, lean, suntanned legs, cropped tops and plunging necklines, which makes most men out there gawp like children and wolf whistle. So, why when the sun shines do men drag out their old shorts which they wore when they went on 18-30s holidays; pull on their old, crusty trainers that smell to high heaven; and forget to wear a top, thus revealing boobs which are bigger than mine and rolls of flesh around the middle (also bigger than mine, I'm pleased to say). And to cap it all, they forget to apply deodorant! Pleeeese guys, give us a break, let us suffer no more. I order 90 per cent of the male population to treat themselves to a new pair of shorts and a T-shirt, a pair of trainers and a massive, yes massive, can of deo, to be applied morning and evening if venturing out after 6pm. Thank you.

Ever tried unsuccessfully to catch that someone's eye across a crowded room? You have? Ah, never mind. Apparently, to be successful you need "Cats eyes". Unveiled at the Athletic World Championships by Colin Jackson, who wore hand-painted "Union Jack" contact lenses made especially for him by optician David Clulow, these are the "ultimate eye-catcher at parties". Apparently tons of pop stars and fashiony peeps are now wearing them. If you can't afford a bespoke pair (from pounds 300), then take a look at the ready-to-wear range of designs, which include dollar signs, heart or star shapes. Mmm funky.

Your roses need pruning, your lawn needs mowing, your clematis needs clipping (or something like that), but you simply do not have the time or the right colour fingers. Don't fret. Just pick up the phone and call dial-a-garden, a la Noel and Meg Gallagher. Oh yes, those poppy-star types have no need to spend back breaking hours in their yards kneeling on their gardener's cushions. They pick up the phone and, just like ordering a pizza, they say: "Hello Mr Garden Centre person, may I have one rose bush, a climbing wisteria, 20 hanging baskets, a bed of pansies, some rockery, a fountain, a lawn, oh, and don't forget the gnomes. Delivered on the back of a truck this afternoon please. Cheers." I kid you not.