Bridget Jones's Diary

Is better not to go to an Election Party as you cannot concentrate on the future of the country

Thursday 24 April

9st 1 (dizzying slide into obesity.). Cigarettes 24; alcohol units 3 (vg)

7pm Only 1 week TO GO till Election. Still never mind, parties are sort of thing people leave till the last minute depending on opinion poles. At least have stopped smoking.

Midnight Argor. Anyway, will stop tomorrow.

Friday 25 April

9st 11/2 Cigarettes 32. No of election parties invited to: 0 (poor)

7am Still no parties.

7.30am Still no parties.

7.45am Obviously it is too early for anyone to ring. Just because I am awake does not mean anyone else is. Must learn to have more empathy with others.

7.50am Humph. Anyway is better not to go to an Election Party as you cannot concentrate on the future of the country. Far better to stay at home. Definitely. Anyway, today is first day of life without cigarettes. Smoking not only is expensive and gives one cancer but is unattractive to men. Ooh telephone - maybe someone inviting me to an Election Party

Humph: "Oh Hello, darling, guess what?" - my mother. Obviously I had to get a cigarette.

"Oh hello, darling, guess what?" she said again. Sometimes I wonder how long she would carry on like this, in manner of a parrot. It is one thing to say Hello? Hello? if there is silence on the other end but, "Oh hello, darling, guess what? Oh hello, darling, guess what?" is surely not normal.

"What?" I said, sulkily.

"Don't speak to me in that tone of voice."

"What?" I said again in a lovely appreciative daughter voice.

"Don't say 'what?' Bridget, say 'pardon?' "

I took a puff on my kind normal friend the Silk Cut Ultra.

"Bridget, are you smoking?"

"No, no" I said , panicking, stubbing out the cigarette and hiding the ashtray.

"Anyway, guess what? Una and I are holding a Kikuyu Election Ceremony for Wellington behind the rockery!"

I breathed deeply through my nose and thought about Inner Poise.

"Don't you think that's super? Wellington's going to leap over a bonfire as a full warrior! Imagine! Right over! Geoffrey's terribly excited. Dress is tribal. And we're all going to drink red wine and pretend it's cow's blood! Cow's blood! That's why Wellington's got such strong thighs."

"I thought you were taking Wellington back to Kenya."

"Oh don't be silly, darling. We can't miss the election! We don't want the Thin Red Wedge back under the bed. I mean we'll end up with What's His Name and the miners back. You won't remember the power cuts when you were at school, but Una was giving the speech at the Ladies Luncheon and she couldn't plug her tongs in."

I crouched, head down, breathing unsteadily, and looking from side to side.

"Bridget?" said Mum, coldly in an axe-murderer voice.

"I can't come."

"What?" she said (I mean how hypocritical can you get?)

"I have already been invited to an Election Party."

"Oh don't be silly, darling."

"I have!" I said, indignantly.

"We don't want any young 'uns there. Una and I have decided they make us look old, and they might distract Wellington from his jumping. Oooh he's just come back in for his milk. Byeeee!"

Oh-oh. Should not have had cigarette. Right this is it, now. Must definitely stop in time for Monday and date with charming young whippersnapper Murph who works on floor above. Whippersnappers are disgusted by smoking as they have not suffered as we have.

Sunday 27 April

Cigarettes 0. Yess! Yessss! Have cracked it. Am not addictive personality, was just pointless habit.

Monday 28 April

Cigarettes: will definitely be 0 again by tonight.

Cannot imagine, now, how could ever have smoked. Smokers this morning in Cafe just looked so common. It's like wearing a sign on your head saying "I am stupid and also tragic f** up with so little inner poise that have to replace with cigarettes." Lalalala. Am marvellous V excited re date. You see, it is not true that whippersnappers do not fancy older women. Ooh telephone.

Humph was Shaz. Rebecca is taking her to Helena Kennedy's Election Party in Hampstead with all Litteratilefts. Obviously I am unsuitable though frankly cannot see what is so fantastic about Shazzer. Also she smokes. Anyway, I am the one who will really understand the voting patterns.

9pm. Toilets Mas Cafe. Hmm. Not sure if date is going well. "Murph" turned up wearing a fez which seems odd as he is not in any way Moorish. Second he wanted to talk about his career and how he can become Researcher rather than Runner. Still I think he was impressed that I do not smoke. "I really can't bear smoking," I smiled, graciously.

9.30pm Toilets again. "Date" has turned into nightmare. First "Murph" announced that he is married with two children. Next Daniel walks into restaurant arm in arm with foul thin Blonde witch. Shrank into corner, at which Murph slid his hand on to my knee and right up my thigh.

"Getoff!" I said indignantly.

"What? what?," he said as if he were a baby lamb which I had stabbed. "Women of your age are normally really pleased when I do that."

Bloody nerve. Got up to come downstairs for fag and Daniel spotted me. "Bridget!" he cried. "Saffron and I are holding an election stroke engagement party on Thursday, will you come?"

Next thing came out of loos to find Murph in corridor having a fag.

"I thought you wouldn't approve of me smoking," he muttered, as if I were schoolmarm. Am going home.

ll pm Oh Goody. Answerphone.

Was my father speaking in weird Stephen Hawkins-esque disembodied voice. "Bridget would you call me back at your earliest opportunity. Your mother appears to be sleeping with our illiterate houseguest."

Think maybe is not the correct week to give up smoking. Also Kenneth Clarke smokes. Doom dooom. Am Kenneth Clarken