auntie ag & uncle ony

My girlfriend and my parents have got this stupid seniority complex about who comes to us on Christmas Day and who comes to us on Boxing Day so that we have to strictly alternate. We have been invited to go on a fantastic skiing holiday over Christmas, but it was my parents turn to come to us on Christmas Day and next year they can't because they have arranged to go to my brother and his wife on Christmas Day and it would put their system into chaos. Nobody seems to be speaking to us and my mum keeps laying this number about Christmas being the one time we can all be together and out of all the weeks in the year, why do we have to go away then.

Janine, Co. Durham

Uncle Ony: Well, she may have a point. You have clearly allowed your family relationships to deteriorate to such a point that you are now seeking to block and avoid through escape. Instead, you must confront, share and work through. I suggest you gather all the family together, explain that you are finding their rigidity and rivalry difficult to deal with, and that perhaps you might all get together on Christmas Day and accept that in future family love should not be seen as a sort of competitive sport.

Auntie Ag: Darling - go skiing.

My husband and I always hang around with this other couple who we really get on with, and we have all agreed to spend Christmas at their place in the country together. The trouble is, although she is wonderful - and great fun - she is a terrible cook. She's not interested in food and because she hardly eats anything herself, she thinks everyone else is happy to pick at a bit of leftover cabbage. I've offered to bring loads of food down and cook but she won't hear of it, and my husband is going spare thinking he is going to spend Christmas Day eating Ryvitas and old lumps of cheese.

Lucinda, Oxford

Uncle Ony: Why should Christmas be focused around food? Wouldn't it be refreshing to end the festive period feeling lean and alert rather than puddingy and bloated? Accepting your friend's hospitality means just that: acceptance. Once you accept and cease to struggle you should find, as in all things, that you tune in to life's flow and release the Joy.

Auntie Ag: Turn up with a case of booze and a gift-wrapped hamper stuffed with delicatessen goodies: Parma ham, cheeses, patisserie, savoury tarts, cakes, mince pies, Christmas pudding, brandy butter. That way it's a gift, not an attempt to interfere with her mainstream cabbage plans, and everyone will be happy.

Is there any way round the agony of waiting for a man to ring after you've slept with him? I've been seeing a guy I really like for a few weeks now but would almost rather not sleep with him and forget the whole thing than go through the agony of waiting for him to call.

Louise, Stoke Newington

Uncle Ony: Yes. Instead of wanging wildly from one may-be relationship to another, wait until you find a man who truly loves you. That way you will not even suffer these thoughts. You will feel truly confident and cherished, and making love will occur as simply and naturally as leaves falling from a tree.

Auntie Ag: ... yes, and I'm a pop-up toaster. Men can be terribly arrogant, feeble-minded and cowardly these days, and you have to exercise a little low cunning to outwit them. You could try one of the following:

1) Tell him what you've told me when you haven't done the deed and are still holding all the cards. Next time he asks, tell him you're only prepared to sleep with him if the next two dates are prearranged. If he won't agree, he wasn't interested enough in the first place and you haven't made yourself vulnerable. 2) Tell him if he hasn't called by 6 o'clock the following day you'll come round with the girls and duff him over. 3) Tell him you'll call him - then you can do the torturing.

I've always been very honest with girls. I recently finished with a girlfriend and, when she asked why, I told her I'd never enjoyed sleeping with her. She didn't seem very upset and said calmly that she was glad we could be so honest because she'd never seen such a small penis as mine in her life and had only managed to get into the sexual act by imagining it was someone else's finger. She said it was great now because we could just be friends and she could sleep with someone with a large penis who would satisfy her. Now we see each other all the time on a friendly basis but the trouble is a) I really want to sleep with her now to see if I can make her fancy me again and b) I'm haunted by what she said. I think about it all the time, have got obsessed by the inadequacies of my organ and have lost the confidence to sleep with anyone else,

Stuart, Aberdeen

Uncle Ony: Honesty, Stuart, is often painful, but always worthwhile. It sounds like the two of you are building a wonderful relationship based on a bedrock of truth, and the time will come when the two of you can make love and communicate - this time with the reality of each other.

Auntie Ag: Clever girl. Suffer, you insensitive, self-obsessed sod. It bloody well serves you right.