What links Lawrence Dallaglio and General Pinochet?

WHERE ARE the stars of yesteryear?

Yes, once more we throw the spotlight on people who were once hardly ever out of the headlines, and are now so forgotten that they are almost non-people, prompting us to ask that old bittersweet question:

Where are they now?

Lawrence Dallaglio... Once the unblemished captain of English rugby, Dallaglio fell from favour when it emerged that his name meant, in Italian, "garlicky". Garlic is, of course, a forbidden substance in the rugby scrum, where the smallest whiff of it can cause coughing, streaming eyes, loss of vision, hallucination and delusions of sophistication.

Driven from the rugby field by this scandalous link with the banned herb, Lawrence Dallaglio attempted to become a rugby TV commentator, but they work in such cramped conditions that this is open only to small ex-players such as Jonathan Davies - in any case, the slightest whiff of garlic might be fatal at such close quarters. Dallaglio is believed to have changed his name, emigrated to New Zealand and become a beekeeper.

Sophie Rhys-Jones... is planning to marry an ex-Marine.

Griff Rhys Jones... heartbroken at not being the first Rhys Jones to appear on a British postage stamp, is throwing himself into charity work on behalf of those who have lost the ability to laugh.

Trevor Rees-Jones... having been the bodyguard of Diana, Princess of Wales on the night she died, is now suing Mohamed Al Fayed for punitive loss of earnings. He says that nobody will now employ him, on the grounds that as he is known to have worked for Mr Fayed, he is now thought by everyone to be unemployable. Mr Fayed is understood to have proposed a deal to him which would involve the world's first passport transplant operation - that is to say, Rees-Jones would donate his own passport to Fayed in return for lots of crinkly bits of paper in a big brown envelope. The offer was turned down flat.

Glenn Hoddle... has been reincarnated as a disabled person.

Geoffrey Boycott... is still batting in a parallel universe, in the fourth innings of a two-week match. After five hours at the crease, he is still 57 not out, but unfortunately he has already run out five other batsmen and he is running out of partners. However, no women have been hurt so far.

Edwina Currie... is in a taxi between two broadcasting stations. If we knew what programme she was about to appear on, we would warn you, but it's not the sort of programme you'd be likely to watch anyway. Meanwhile, for God's sake don't get into her taxi by mistake.

Harriet Harman... was forced out of the Blair Cabinet because... because... well, nobody can remember why now, but she is now currently working on her first novel. It is all about a young man who is elected Prime Minister on a flood of acclamation but who behind his winsome charm is a calculating powermonger and manipulator, ruthless and ready to discard his oldest allies. She is currently rewriting it to get in the sex element which her publishers think is needed.

John Major... is looking for a long-lost half-sister in Australia. The long-lost half-sister has gone into hiding to avoid being found.

Andrew Morton... Diana's biographer, is undergoing a rest cure in an expensive clinic. He recently had a nervous breakdown when he misread a headline in the paper and thought he had been chosen as the new Poet Laureate. The shock came about partly because you can't write royal poetry by talking off the record to "friends" of the Royal Family, and partly because the pay was 1,000,000 per cent lower than he is used to getting.

General Pinochet... Augusto Pinochet, the only world leader named after a month of the year, is back home in Chile.

The man the police think is General Pinochet, the old man living in the rented villa in Wentworth, is in fact a lookalike who was smuggled into Britain two months ago and exchanged for Pinochet at night. The lookalike is prepared to be extradited to Spain but not to go to prison. Meanwhile, the General is keeping a low profile back in Chile in case the British police should smell a rat.

Noel Edmonds...

Who?