Dilemas: I fight to get my own way - so why don't I?

Dilemmas; with Virginia Ironside

VIRGINIA'S ADVICE

Assertiveness is a wonderful thing. I'm always returning overdone steak at restaurants, and politely asking tattooed neighbours to turn down their radios. It usually works. But when you're faced with something like Jean's airline official, you need to use other tactics. Particularly if the reply is a profuse apology. Apology is one of the most successful replies to a complaint. I remember my grandmother's frustration when she took a purchase back to the complaints desk of a big department store, bursting with rage and indignation. "How dreadful!" said the oily man, throwing up his hands. "I don't think I've ever heard such a terrible story in my life! I'm shocked. I can't tell you how sorry I am. There are no more left of your product, but if there's anything we can do..." My grandmother's feeling was of fury, but the man wouldn't play. He just punctured her rage with a pin and she was left like a yacht when the wind has dropped, all miserable and flappy.

Of course, she should have waved the apology away. "It is very kind of you to give me an apology," she should have said, "But I don't want one. I want a replacement." "There isn't one." "I'm sorry, I want a replacement." Eventually, nine times out of 10, she would have got one. But even more successful is repetitive wailing. Jean could have just stood at the airline desk saying, "Oh dear, I wonder what to do. What do you suggest? Oh dear, oh dear." She should just have hung around looking worried, never leaving the desk. She should have stayed, a miserable presence, clasping and unclasping her hands, saying "What shall I do?" till the airline woman just got so maddened that she found another seat somewhere.

Tremendous compliments sometimes do the trick. "I know you'll get another seat for me," you say confidently. "You just look like someone who can pull off anything. I'm putting my entire trust in you, and I don't do that to many people."

Threats aren't usually effective because they make people angry, though if you whip out your mobile phone and ask to speak to the news desk on a tabloid paper and ask for "Barry", you may get a response. No one need be on the other end, of course...

Rage is absolutely hopeless. You just look a total wally. Far better is sobbing - for both men and women. Men particularly can't bear a woman bursting into tears, loudly, and snuffling, gasping with misery. They'll get you a ticket just to avoid the racket.

A friend of mine has a method that has never failed. He falls on his knees and shuffles after the person who's denied him, preferably in front of a crowd. He clasps his hands and says loudly: "I beg you to do this for me. I will do anything for you. I will marry you, I will divorce you, I will have a clitoridectomy for you, I will scoop out my eyes and insert rotten gooseberries inside, I will chop off my toes and hang them into a necklace for you..." This mixture of humour, slightly disgusting language and a distinct flavour of derangement nearly always works. If Jean did this she shouldn't feel humiliated. It is only a tactic, after all.

READERS' SUGGESTIONS

Polite but firm

Unfortunately, some people who shout the loudest and are rude appear to be the ones who end up getting their own way.

Dealing with airport staff is difficult because they are under increasing pressure these days. I've found that, firstly, its best to let them know that you understand that they are working under difficult circumstances, and then clearly ask what the best alternative solution is. At the end of the day it is poor organisation somewhere along the employee line and not necessarily the check-in person who is to blame.

If you succeed in getting what is due to you by remaining polite and calm, it's far more satisfying than the other people's methods (rudeness, threats, shouting etc).

MOYA McDERMOTT

Silvertonhill, Hamilton

Right to be angry

When recently I was reduced to being rude to get my own way, my husband ended up being embarrassed.

"She's only doing her job. It's not her fault. She's only a human being," he said. Of course she's a human being, but so am I, and in her role as a representative of the airline and mine in the role of customer, I am entitled to be angry if I am not provided with a service. Remember: it's the squeakiest wheel that gets the most oil.

FIONA BANBURY

Fife

Be strong - don't give in

I once stayed at an expensive hotel in Brighton. When making my reservation, the reception desk failed to mention that there were some really noisy and disruptive building works going on nearby.

I wrote to the manager, who of course wrote back apologising and offering me another night's stay at a reduced rate. I felt that wasn't acceptable and told them that I wasn't happy. They then offered me a free night staying in the hotel's penthouse suite. The staff all treated me like royalty; it was great.

Although Jean began by being assertive, she must have given in too quickly. Being assertive does not mean making an attempt to be strong for a few seconds - it actually means being strong throughout. Generally speaking, timid people get walked over, and most people will take advantage if they sense this weakness.

SANDRA

London SW10

Next Week's Dilemma

Dear Virginia,

My best friend is getting married in Australia and wants me to be her matron of honour. But my baby is due to be born two months before the wedding. Should I take the family; or go myself, leaving the baby behind with my husband and mother; or refuse the invitation? My friend would be terribly disappointed if I didn't go - and so would I.

Yours sincerely, Lynn

Anyone with advice quoted will be sent a bouquet from Send letters and dilemmas to Virginia Ironside, `The Independent', 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL, fax 0171-293 2182; or e-mail dilemmas@independent.co. uk, giving a postal address