Barometer

Cheek of the week

How ironic that Ms Bainbridge, recent winner of a WH Smith accolade, talks about "nasal and stupid" accents. How interesting the claims that "you don't take people seriously who talk badly". I fear she applied those thoughts to deleterious effect where her daughter Rudi Davies (pictured) was concerned. Was the flame-haired actor sent to too many elocution lessons? Certainly the poor girl has a mouth so full of plums she can barely speak, giving the impression that she is far from Mensa material.

Egghead of the week

Talking of Mensa, a report this week suggested that bald men may be more intelligent than those with a full head of hair. So take one bald chimp (Jambo) cross it with the freshly coiffed William Hague, and the Tories have the perfect candidate to solve the banana wars (see above). Watch those opinion polls go bananas.

The prince and the showgirl

Permanent hair loss can also be caused by high testosterone levels. Prince Philip, arch-diplomat, on a visit to London's theatreland seemed particularly interested in engaging a scantily clad troupe from the musical Chicago in conversation about their work. A past master of the gauche faux pas, the Duke of Edinburgh was on his best behaviour - no mention of slitty eyes and not a pot belly in sight.

Daughter of God

She's not bald and she hasn't got a pot belly, but Barbie, as we learnt last week, is a busy girl. Not only is she an Olympic skater, she also holds masters' degrees and is a member of the US Military. Now we find out how she manages to fit it all in: she's omnipotent. The Sally Army, in an article in its newspaper, compares Barbie to Jesus. Move over David Icke.

Image of the week

A picture to warm the cockles of your heart? Or one for the rogues' gallery? Facing fresh calls for his resignation over leaked reports, Robin Cook celebrated his 25th year in politics with this family portrait including his wife, mother, sons and a lone girlfriend. It's unfortunate - or apposite - that in this study, the only person who looks as though he wants to be there is Cook himself.