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Predictions for 2020 that absolutely, positively, definitely won't happen

We look ahead to the coming six months of football... or not

Tony Evans
Friday 03 January 2020 11:19 GMT
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Premier League round-up: Liverpool end the year on top

It is the halfway point in the season and a new year is upon us. It is time to provide some predictions about what the second half of the campaign holds. The first six months of 2020 will be an exciting time for football, a game positioned at the centre of British life. What does the immediate future hold for the sport? None of what follows can possibly happen…

January

It becomes clear a national crisis is building. Again. This time the post-Christmas blues are magnified by the Reds. The thought of Liverpool running away with the Premier League and winning the title for the first time in 30 years is causing nationwide anxiety. The NHS almost collapses as Everton, Manchester City and Manchester United fans suffer widespread panic attacks. They are just the tip of the iceberg. GPs are overwhelmed. The demand for emotional support animals goes through the roof. Productivity slumps.

Things get so bad that the emergency is discussed at Cabinet. The idea of a “managed decline” of Liverpool is suggested. The idea is simple. Replace Jurgen Klopp (“a lefty and the wrong sort of foreigner”) with Roy Hodgson (“a national treasure”). There is much enthusiasm until someone points out it has been tried before.

February

The headlines on the opening day of the month are all about Arsenal’s brilliant last-minute transfer window move. As the minutes ticked away they finally found a taker for Mesut Ozil. Amnesty International were happy to sign the German to put the spotlight on the humanitarian abuses of China’s Uighur Muslims. The fee was undisclosed but insiders suggested Arsenal made a £10 million contribution to the charity and will pay almost all of Ozil’s salary – Amnesty will contribute £150 per week to the player’s £350,000 wages. It turns out that the London club got the better of the deal when the midfielder’s new employers realise that Ozil was tongue-tied (think cup-tied) where humanitarian outrages are connected with his best man, President Erdogan of Turkey. Amnesty release him and 48 hours later Ozil is back at London Colney playing Fortnite.

March

VAR is back in the headlines. This time a David Luiz ringlet plays Sergio Aguero onside during Manchester City’s 17-1 victory over Arsenal at the Etihad. David Elleray is quoted as saying “it was a hair’s breadth decision.” Sky estimates put Luiz’s curl at around 23cm.

The argument over VAR has become the most divisive disagreement in the UK since Brexit. Families are split and anger over the latest incident is spilling over into daily life. David Cameron decides, as a renowned football fan, that this is the issue where he can revive his damaged reputation. The former Prime Minister proposes a referendum on VAR. The subsequent press conference is a catastrophe. Photographers get snaps of his Trump-style hand-written notes that say “VILLA, CLARET, BLUE” in oversized letters.

“The sport is dead,” he says. “Fans don’t know whether they can celebrate a goal or not. I was sitting in my holiday home, drinking excellent wine under clear skies when VAR ruined my afternoon. I was furious.” At this point Cameron’s staff realise his foray into the People’s Game is another unmitigated disaster. They drag him away as he shouts, “I was triggered. It gave me anxiety! I need a comfort pig!”

David Cameron will and try fail once again to find a solution to the country's divisions (Getty Images)

April

The FA unveil a new line of casual clothing for Euro 2020. Conscious of the success of Gareth Southgate’s waistcoat two years ago in Russia, the ruling body have had a steering committee working on a ‘roaring twenties’ look for more than a year. It was agreed that Southgate and his squad would represent the Three Lions in elegant, Great Gatsby style tailored double-breasted suits. Unfortunately, a clerical error means that England will be clad in double denim throughout the tournament. The players are particularly appalled by the matchday bib-and-braces ensemble.

May

Liverpool are due to be presented with the Premier League trophy. Fears of nationwide unrest grow. All police leave is cancelled, troops are put on alert and Boris Johnson sends a gunship, HMS Self Pity, up the Mersey in an attempt to quell an explosion of goading. Three days of state mourning are announced for the rest of the country.

In the event, it is all a bit disappointing. The sun rises the morning after Jordan Henderson picks up the trophy and a few people have hangovers. Most go to work the next day. After the febrile spring, England wakes up with the realisation that the world has not ended. Except on Twitter, which gives the impression civil war has broken out.

The biggest shock of the season comes when Jose Mourinho leaves Tottenham Hotspur to take over Portugal. No, not the team for the Euros, but the government. It turns out that the reason Mourinho’s performance as manager has dropped off since he left Chelsea four years ago is that the Portuguese has been pursuing a clandestine political career (a coup) at home all the time. At last it explains why Mourinho was so keen to take Eric Dier to Old Trafford and why he has persisted with the midfielder for Spurs. Dier’s job will be to keep opponents quiet, a role he could not quite carry off in the Premier League.

Mourinho accepts that running Portugal is a step down from Real Madrid or Manchester United and admitted he has bigger ambitions. “The big three – China, Russia and the USA – would have been nice but this is right for me now,” he said. The Especial One was characteristically spiky. “Boris Johnson? Britain’s Arsene Wenger,” he said with a curled lip, opening a new age of political mind games.

Here's what definitely won't happen in 2020

June

Manchester City respond to Liverpool’s second successive Champions League victory by dipping into the transfer market. They offer £4 billion for Anfield, lock stock and barrel, including players, manager, season-ticket holders and anyone involved in the coach-welcoming incidents (referred to as “migrant workers” in the contract). The sale is about to go through when Uefa block it, ruling that the £5 billion backdated sponsorship from a hitherto unknown Abu Dhabi company that finances the deal contravenes financial fair play regulations. The subsequent legal action rumbles through the courts until 2030. When it ends Liverpool are still unbeaten and the Premier League has grown so boring that no one wants to watch it. VAR has crushed the spirit of everyone connected with the sport.

But that is in the future. For now, England end June in the quarter finals of the Euros. It feels like a golden age for football. And denim. David Cameron particularly likes the ‘farmyard chic’.

Roll on July. Things can only get more implausible when England bring home the trophy.

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