Negotiating noise, mess and the art of making friends: How to survive university accommodation

Forming friendships amid the chaos is no mean feat

The cast of ‘Fresh Meat’ from left: Joe Thomas, Zawe Ashton, Kimberley Nixon, Greg McHugh, Charlotte Ritchie and Jack Whitehall (Channel 4)

This is it. You’ve unloaded the car, navigated endless, winding corridors with twenty bags and a house plant in tow, survived a brief (perhaps tearful) farewell, and now you face the front door of your new university home.

You slide your key into the lock. But then, you pause. What will your housemates be like? Infernal, twisted demons plucked straight from the ugly depths of depravity – or maybe just, quite nice? There’s only one way to find out.

The key turns. The door opens, and...

The future looks bright. According to UCAS, 76 per cent of students in the UK are satisfied with their university housing and 80 per cent of those in shared accommodation report to be happy.

One study even claims that sharing toilets (alongside other communal spaces) has “important and lasting consequences for well‐being”. See your housemates enough, and you might just get on, it seems.

Whatever the data says, it’s normal to feel anxious about staying in halls. After all, you’ll be bunking up with people that you’ve never met or barely know, and even in the nicest digs things can get a little tense from time to time.

But, fear not. Hardened students, psychologists and universities are there to hand out advice on how to diffuse tension in your flat this year, and make halls feel more like home than hell.

Let’s begin

Making friends

You’re inside, but now the real work begins. Here’s what to consider when it comes to breaking the ice.

Reach out

Mental health charity Mind suggests leaving your door open to invite people in, sharing tea in the kitchen or taking trips into town with the whole gang to ease up shyness during the first weeks after moving in.

“That first encounter can be quite overwhelming and difficult for people who are nervous to come out of their rooms” officers from Manchester Metropolitan University’s (MMU) Student Union said.

They suggest writing a note and leaving it in the kitchen on the first day, anonymously, for added intrigue. Just include a meeting time and see who turns up.

They also advise students to set up a flat group chat.

“It’s a great way to keep each other updated of where you are for safety and brings people closer together throughout the year.”

Be patient

Anna, a Keele University graduate, said that she was the only girl in her flat, and “felt a bit like the outcast.”

Coupled with anxiety about social interaction, that caused her to avoid using the kitchen unless no one else was there. She would even wait until after midnight if needed, just to heat up a microwave meal.

Sometimes, it just takes time. Anna said that her confidence improved in second year after she resolved “not to let anxiety get the better of [her]”.

Dr Ben Ainsworth, a psychology lecturer from the Bath Centre for Mindfulness and Compassion (BCMC), tells us that sometimes students feel pressured at university to try new things and make friends immediately.

“It’s important to recognise that relationships can take time” he says.

It’s also worth remembering that everybody over-analyses their social interactions when starting university.

“Just be mindful that not everyone does a great job of first impressions, but that doesn’t mean you should write people off immediately.

Use your negotiating skills

Jake, a former student from Essex University who lived with 16 people in halls, relied on communal cooking to socialise – and keep his flat tidy.

“Even if it’s only one or two nights a week, you can cook for the whole flat really easily and everyone can help out. You can knock out a meal in no time.”

“Then everyone cleans up, so the kitchen stays a little more sanitary.”

As we all know, the way to someone’s heart is through their stomach.

Don't panic

Remember to make an effort outside of your flat too, Jake adds.

“Don’t just befriend your housemates and then be like, ‘okay I’m done.’

“Roommates can be great friends, but not the only ones you’ll meet at university. In fact, my best friends by the end of my degree were not my roommates.”

You could even poke your head around the flat next door. Don’t be disappointed if your housemates aren’t quite to your taste – there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Staying friends

So, what if you end up in a fracas with your housemates? After the honeymoon period cools off, their annoying little personality quirks can quickly become unbearable. Perhaps they wake up at 6am every morning to a selection of full-volume German thrash tunes, or they keep clogging the sink with rice, no matter how many vague, angry emojis you send in the group chat.

Compromise

Emma, a student from Edinburgh University, says that laying down ground rules should help.

“Half the flat enjoyed going out and having pre-drinks in the halls all the time. The others didn’t.”

“A compromise was reached so that pre-drinks would happen once a week or twice if there was a specific reason, such as a birthday, and they would let the others know a day in advance.”

“Luckily, we all still liked each other at the end of year” she added.

In terms of cleaning, it’s best to sit down together with your whole flat early on and draw up a rota, shopping schedule and/or general weekly to-do list. This saves the work falling onto the shoulders of just one diligent housemate.

Express yourself

Anna from Keele University lived in a 10-person flat and endured “loud music, movies, shouting, running in the corridors and doors slamming at all hours”.

She has Asperger’s Syndrome, which gives her an increased sensitivity to noise.

“I definitely found the chaos of drunken students, parties and so on to be more stressful than my non-Asperger's friends” she said.

For a long time, Anna was too shy to bring up her issues, and it wasn’t until her final year that she stuck a note to the door of a particularly noisy flatmate.

“After that, almost all of the noise from her stopped,” she says.

Notes, however, should be written with care. Unite Students recommend talking instead, just in case your polite-as-anything Post-It is taken the wrong way.

Complain

If you have a residential advisor (RA), they’ll assemble the flat members to discuss any gripes throughout the year. This is perhaps the best way to make your voice heard, especially if you don’t fancy bringing issues up with housemates directly.

Worst case scenario, security should be on hand to confront any serious offenders.

Avoid the problem

Earplugs are vital for when it gets noisy at night. For the daytime, find a local café, library or workspace where you can get some peace and quiet to make calls or study, if needed. 

As for avoiding the kitchen, Jenny from Manchester Metropolitan University has a solution.

“I kept a kettle in my room, so that I could make tea and coffee”, she says.  

“I also bought pasta pots, so I didn’t have to cook anything in the kitchen and cleaned my plates in the sink in the room.” 

However, make sure you don't go any further. MMU’s student union recommends that halls residents don’t “pee in the sink” as well.  

Be nice

If you feel that you need to bring up an issue with a housemate, Ainsworth advises broaching the topic with them early on, in a “safe, approachable way.”

“People are from different backgrounds, and there’s a good chance [they] don’t realise that what they’re doing isn’t acceptable to others.”

“Give [them] the benefit of the doubt where possible”.

Crucially, he says, it’s more likely than  not that you’ll get on with your housemates in halls.

“The more mindful you can be about the fact you’re all going through the same thing, the easier it will be to form positive, long-lasting relationships.”

Be proactive, be compassionate, be mindful, he says, and flat sharing can be very rewarding.

Everyone has a different experience in university halls. Whether you’re living with two or 20 people, with a cleaner or without, or even just crashing at your friend’s house –the skills you’ll pick up navigating the murky waters of shared accommodation will be very handy for life in general.

So, get out of your room and face your demons - they’re (probably) not that bad.

For more help with mental health or accommodation issues at university, talk to your student union or personal tutor. They can direct you to qualified well-being services.